I remember when you came back into my life. It caused so much pain. A relationship I treasured so much was now strained. My mother would never look at me the same. But she loved me, she always has. I knew that some day she would understand and forgive me. And she has. But what about you?
How could I ever have known that you loved me? You had the nerve to pull out that picture of me. It made me so angry. Maybe I was in your wallet this whole time, but why? Why, if I was a phone call away, a short drive, would you drive this wedge between us?
This day replays over and over in my head. It haunts me because I know I was mean to you. I know that I was angry and hurtful. I felt like you deserved it. I still kind of do. Your not being there for so many years hurt me in ways that I cannot overcome, I just have to set it aside and try not to let it seep into my life. These attempts are futile.
I'm so torn. I'm so angry. Angry at you, and angry at me. Angry at you for your obvious actions, or lack thereof. Why was it that I was the one that had to make that phone call? You were an adult, why would you refuse to act like that? I can't even take it personally, this was your pattern, you always left. You always abandoned, you always left that void. Angry at me because I'm still angry and this still affects me.
Well, now you're gone. For good. There's no getting you back. And now I'm left being angry at myself. I'm angry that I called you out that day. Why was I so hurtful? Why not just try to rebuild what we had? Your words, "mi princesita" still make me cry today. That was what set me off, it was my trigger. Your princess? How dare you. "Bullshit!" I called out on you. I made you feel small because I refused to be lied to. Don't refer to me as something you treasure when you have shown me nothing but neglect in the past 8 years. Unacceptable- the both of us.
Perhaps I should have been nicer. Perhaps I should have just pretended everything would be alright. Perhaps I never should have called. But no, this wouldn't make me feel any better now. We attempted to reconcile our past despite both of our actions. A lot of good that did us, to this day you are a stranger to me. That "family" you gave me, who are they? Perhaps that's the real reason I am angry. Because I didn't make the most of the time that I DID have with you.
What if I didn't make that phone call? Would I even know of your leaving? Would I still have that hope that someday you would reach out for me? It seems to me that nothing would have ever come from your end. I am proud of what I did. I am proud that I could say I took that first step. And as awful as it sounds, I know that that makes me a better person than you. And I am proud of that.
The worst part of this all is that I'd give it all up. I'd eat my words. I'd do anything, just for another moment with you. Just to have you hold me, hug me like you mean, tell me that you're proud of me, that you know everything will be ok. Tell me that you love me. I miss you so much, I miss what we never had.
Damn you, Dad.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
A Little More About Me
Maybe this is cheating, but I joined in on this fad when it came around to me on Facebook and I figured I'd post this on here to help complete the picture that is me.
25 Random Facts About Me:
1. I don't know how to ride a bike or skate in any way. I want to learn and everyone says they want to teach me, but it just never happens.
2. I hate birds. Its a fear and it's real. Mock me if you must.
3. I'd rather be in debt than not get to travel.
4. The misuse of "your" and "you're" and of "there," "they're," and "their" kills a little part of me every time I see it.
5. I've started a list of things that make me happy because my roommate called me out on it every time I said that phrase. (I've started to upload some of it onto this blog)
6. I love to-do lists and lists of all kinds. I can't function without them and yes, I make lists within my to-do lists, just live with it.
7. I was my mom's height when I was in third grade. Freakishly tall child, freakishly short mother.
8. "Gerr" is probably the only nickname I've ever had. Only two people get to use it. (Maybe 3)
9. I fall for people entirely too quickly even though I tell myself I don't. (My mother's shockingly accurate analysis of my love life.)
10. I've always wanted to go to culinary school. I guess if all else fails...
11. I want children but I'm scared that my raising of them will create little (and then adult) monsters. So far I just act like the mom for most of my friends.
12. I'm addicted to checking my email. I do it at least 4 times a day (all 3 accounts)! However I don't understand how people keep hundreds or even thousands of emails in their inbox. The delete button is your friend!
13. I love art and architecture and different kinds of design. Although not very talented in any of them, I appreciate it.
14. I have three older sisters and an older brother. One sister I've never met, she lives in Cuba. (My mom's daughter) The rest I can count the number of times we've been together on one hand. (My dad's "children"- I use that term loosely)
15. The Residence Hall Association at my university has changed my life.Trust me, I know it is corny, but it is the truth.
16. I can't keep a journal. I tell myself that I will but I never follow through. Maybe I'll just start a book of my lists. (Or now, this blog!)
17. I had an afro for many years. No, you can't see the pictures, I'm traumatized enough.
18. I talk to inanimate objects all the time. It could be my TV, the non-existent turning signal in the car in front of me, my food (Elise's fault), or pretty much anything else that is in front of me.
19. I had a "bucket list" before the movie came out. (No surprise if you read #6)
20. My favorite number is six but I prefer even numbers overall. I remember arriving to our hotel room in DC and saying that we had a good room (248 or something like that) because all the numbers in it were even. I know, it's weird.
21. Hazelnut is my favorite creamer. (Hey, the list says "random," right?)
22. I swear I'm allergic to Florida. Miami in specific. Not like a friend of mine who actually has allergies to things native to FL, but just the state of mind and life that exists down here. Someone get me out!
23. I like things around me to be blue, green, white, or a combination of those colors.
24. I finally have health insurance starting tomorrow! After only 4 years of going without! Maybe 3.
25. This is one list I didn't really like making. (This is probably only partly true.)
25 Random Facts About Me:
1. I don't know how to ride a bike or skate in any way. I want to learn and everyone says they want to teach me, but it just never happens.
2. I hate birds. Its a fear and it's real. Mock me if you must.
3. I'd rather be in debt than not get to travel.
4. The misuse of "your" and "you're" and of "there," "they're," and "their" kills a little part of me every time I see it.
5. I've started a list of things that make me happy because my roommate called me out on it every time I said that phrase. (I've started to upload some of it onto this blog)
6. I love to-do lists and lists of all kinds. I can't function without them and yes, I make lists within my to-do lists, just live with it.
7. I was my mom's height when I was in third grade. Freakishly tall child, freakishly short mother.
8. "Gerr" is probably the only nickname I've ever had. Only two people get to use it. (Maybe 3)
9. I fall for people entirely too quickly even though I tell myself I don't. (My mother's shockingly accurate analysis of my love life.)
10. I've always wanted to go to culinary school. I guess if all else fails...
11. I want children but I'm scared that my raising of them will create little (and then adult) monsters. So far I just act like the mom for most of my friends.
12. I'm addicted to checking my email. I do it at least 4 times a day (all 3 accounts)! However I don't understand how people keep hundreds or even thousands of emails in their inbox. The delete button is your friend!
13. I love art and architecture and different kinds of design. Although not very talented in any of them, I appreciate it.
14. I have three older sisters and an older brother. One sister I've never met, she lives in Cuba. (My mom's daughter) The rest I can count the number of times we've been together on one hand. (My dad's "children"- I use that term loosely)
15. The Residence Hall Association at my university has changed my life.Trust me, I know it is corny, but it is the truth.
16. I can't keep a journal. I tell myself that I will but I never follow through. Maybe I'll just start a book of my lists. (Or now, this blog!)
17. I had an afro for many years. No, you can't see the pictures, I'm traumatized enough.
18. I talk to inanimate objects all the time. It could be my TV, the non-existent turning signal in the car in front of me, my food (Elise's fault), or pretty much anything else that is in front of me.
19. I had a "bucket list" before the movie came out. (No surprise if you read #6)
20. My favorite number is six but I prefer even numbers overall. I remember arriving to our hotel room in DC and saying that we had a good room (248 or something like that) because all the numbers in it were even. I know, it's weird.
21. Hazelnut is my favorite creamer. (Hey, the list says "random," right?)
22. I swear I'm allergic to Florida. Miami in specific. Not like a friend of mine who actually has allergies to things native to FL, but just the state of mind and life that exists down here. Someone get me out!
23. I like things around me to be blue, green, white, or a combination of those colors.
24. I finally have health insurance starting tomorrow! After only 4 years of going without! Maybe 3.
25. This is one list I didn't really like making. (This is probably only partly true.)
Friday, May 8, 2009
Searching for Fulfillment
I'm going to apologize in advance for the length of this post. I didn't anticipate that I'd have so much to say.
Although I don't think that this is something that is unique to me (Hello there, quarter-life crisis group!), searching for fulfillment is something that I have been undergoing for a while.
It has been years since I have been trying, and sometimes not trying, to reconcile my issues with religion. Going way back, in the first years of high school I went to church on a semi-regular basis and was actually baptized as a born-again Christian. Even at this point, I felt that this was all being forced on me. I didn't feel as genuinely enthralled into this new religious regimen (my mother and I used to be Catholic but I use that term very loosely) as my mom. Even being baptized felt like a sham.
Let's back up a little. I suppose you can say that I never really was a part of a religious family. It has been me and my mom for as long as I can remember and she has always been so preoccupied with making ends meet and more practical things, that I never really saw her as a religious person when I was growing up. By all means, I do not mean this to sound judgmental or critical. I am grateful for everything my mother has done and look up to her for being able to do so.
Despite our priorities, we were not an Atheist family. As I alluded to earlier, we were "Catholic." In Miami, we have our own breed of Catholicism. Mostly, this group is composed of Hispanics that don't necessarily participate in religious services, go to church, or adhere to any of the principles of Christianity but call themselves that anyway. Another aspect of this group in Miami is the large population of Santeria and Santeros that we have here in Miami. It is not uncommon to go outside and see someone dressed fully in white, with shaved heads, and adorned with brightly colored necklaces. These are people newly involved within the practices of Santeria and this is a form of ritual. Most of these people, if asked, would still say that they are Catholic. Needless to say, there is quite the religious identity-crisis going on in this town.
As the years went on, it was my mom that began the soul searching around the time that I was 14, 15 years old she had a new coworker that is what I call a "hardcore Christian." This woman, lived and breathed religion. She was the type that wouldn't come back from peeing without receiving a revelation from God that she just HAD to tell the world.
I partly blame this coworker, let's call her Maria, for my feelings about religion. Maria just seemed to overdo it. Every single conversation with her was geared around God, prayer, church, visions, and the healing power. Don't get me wrong, in the beginning I was almost jealous of this intense relationship that she seemed to have, and wanted to try to achieve it myself.
In the following months I went along with her kids, who were around my age, to Youth Group, went on church retreats, and even on attended Sunday Service from time to time. It was around this time that I was referring to when I wrote that I felt like I was beginning to feel like I was "faking it." I just wasn't that into it. I felt hypocritical because as a teenager I had my urges and compromising moments, and unlike others I had observed at church, I couldn't go and pretend.
So, for years, I cut church out of my life.
Enter the college years. I moved on campus and shared my room with a self-proclaimed Atheist/Agnostic but shared our suite with two other girls that were very much into their Christian faith. I always seemed to be on the fence on the rare occasions that religion came up and eventually decided that I had issues with organized religion. I think it was my sophomore year when I agreed to go to church on Easter with one of my roommates.
This was such a scary experience! It made me post about it on my Facebook page, I called my mom and told her, and I just didn't know what to expect. I also feel the need to explain that this was going to be my first time going to a service that was in English. But "onward and forward!" I told myself. I went with my roommate and a rather large group of individuals from out university. This, in it of itself, was rather odd to me. These were people that were my age, that led normal lives, that I had common interests with!
Problem fixed, right? Wrong. I wish I could say that this was it, that I became more religious from that moment on, but this is not the case. Over the next 2 years I was developing different aspects of my life that I felt conflicted with a religious personality so I didn't really pursue it. But at the same time, I've always felt that I was missing...something. Y'know, that thing that you can't quite put your finger on, that puts a smile on your face even on the worst days, the light at the end of that tunnel, that fulfillment. I knew that religion was the answer, or at least I wanted it to be, but at this point I just didn't know what to do. My old roommate had moved away to another state and this meant I'd be going to church alone. This was just too much for me to handle, it still is.
I now find myself going with her whenever she comes back down to Miami but not in the periods that she isn't around. Recently, though, I felt that I am turning to religion to help me fill in the missing gaps in my life. I need that direction, that guidance. I do still like that same church but struggle to get up and go. they even offer online sermons so I might try that out.
I somehow expected this blog to be a more "I'm frustrated, wtf is wrong with organized religion and wtf is wrong with me?" kind of post but it turned into a history of my religious views. I'm sure there will be follow-ups of this as time goes on, so this really is a work in progress. (As am I!)
Hope I didn't bore you to tears, and if I did, get a hanky.
Although I don't think that this is something that is unique to me (Hello there, quarter-life crisis group!), searching for fulfillment is something that I have been undergoing for a while.
It has been years since I have been trying, and sometimes not trying, to reconcile my issues with religion. Going way back, in the first years of high school I went to church on a semi-regular basis and was actually baptized as a born-again Christian. Even at this point, I felt that this was all being forced on me. I didn't feel as genuinely enthralled into this new religious regimen (my mother and I used to be Catholic but I use that term very loosely) as my mom. Even being baptized felt like a sham.
Let's back up a little. I suppose you can say that I never really was a part of a religious family. It has been me and my mom for as long as I can remember and she has always been so preoccupied with making ends meet and more practical things, that I never really saw her as a religious person when I was growing up. By all means, I do not mean this to sound judgmental or critical. I am grateful for everything my mother has done and look up to her for being able to do so.
Despite our priorities, we were not an Atheist family. As I alluded to earlier, we were "Catholic." In Miami, we have our own breed of Catholicism. Mostly, this group is composed of Hispanics that don't necessarily participate in religious services, go to church, or adhere to any of the principles of Christianity but call themselves that anyway. Another aspect of this group in Miami is the large population of Santeria and Santeros that we have here in Miami. It is not uncommon to go outside and see someone dressed fully in white, with shaved heads, and adorned with brightly colored necklaces. These are people newly involved within the practices of Santeria and this is a form of ritual. Most of these people, if asked, would still say that they are Catholic. Needless to say, there is quite the religious identity-crisis going on in this town.
As the years went on, it was my mom that began the soul searching around the time that I was 14, 15 years old she had a new coworker that is what I call a "hardcore Christian." This woman, lived and breathed religion. She was the type that wouldn't come back from peeing without receiving a revelation from God that she just HAD to tell the world.
I partly blame this coworker, let's call her Maria, for my feelings about religion. Maria just seemed to overdo it. Every single conversation with her was geared around God, prayer, church, visions, and the healing power. Don't get me wrong, in the beginning I was almost jealous of this intense relationship that she seemed to have, and wanted to try to achieve it myself.
In the following months I went along with her kids, who were around my age, to Youth Group, went on church retreats, and even on attended Sunday Service from time to time. It was around this time that I was referring to when I wrote that I felt like I was beginning to feel like I was "faking it." I just wasn't that into it. I felt hypocritical because as a teenager I had my urges and compromising moments, and unlike others I had observed at church, I couldn't go and pretend.
So, for years, I cut church out of my life.
Enter the college years. I moved on campus and shared my room with a self-proclaimed Atheist/Agnostic but shared our suite with two other girls that were very much into their Christian faith. I always seemed to be on the fence on the rare occasions that religion came up and eventually decided that I had issues with organized religion. I think it was my sophomore year when I agreed to go to church on Easter with one of my roommates.
This was such a scary experience! It made me post about it on my Facebook page, I called my mom and told her, and I just didn't know what to expect. I also feel the need to explain that this was going to be my first time going to a service that was in English. But "onward and forward!" I told myself. I went with my roommate and a rather large group of individuals from out university. This, in it of itself, was rather odd to me. These were people that were my age, that led normal lives, that I had common interests with!
Problem fixed, right? Wrong. I wish I could say that this was it, that I became more religious from that moment on, but this is not the case. Over the next 2 years I was developing different aspects of my life that I felt conflicted with a religious personality so I didn't really pursue it. But at the same time, I've always felt that I was missing...something. Y'know, that thing that you can't quite put your finger on, that puts a smile on your face even on the worst days, the light at the end of that tunnel, that fulfillment. I knew that religion was the answer, or at least I wanted it to be, but at this point I just didn't know what to do. My old roommate had moved away to another state and this meant I'd be going to church alone. This was just too much for me to handle, it still is.
I now find myself going with her whenever she comes back down to Miami but not in the periods that she isn't around. Recently, though, I felt that I am turning to religion to help me fill in the missing gaps in my life. I need that direction, that guidance. I do still like that same church but struggle to get up and go. they even offer online sermons so I might try that out.
I somehow expected this blog to be a more "I'm frustrated, wtf is wrong with organized religion and wtf is wrong with me?" kind of post but it turned into a history of my religious views. I'm sure there will be follow-ups of this as time goes on, so this really is a work in progress. (As am I!)
Hope I didn't bore you to tears, and if I did, get a hanky.
If I Was A Man, I'd Be A Drag Queen
It's no secret that Miami is one of the cities gays flock to. Over the years I have befriended many a gay, called some of them my closest friends, and have even been dubbed a hag. The latter is a title that I wear proudly as I most definitely prefer it to "beard."
So what brings me to write this new post? I was dubbed a drag queen.
I think all the ladies out there can agree with me that we all have our days that we wish we were born men. And if you say you don't, I don't believe you. This past week my friend, gay of course, and I were having this conversation. I told him that if I were to chose who I would come back as in another life, it would be a gay man. He laughed in my face and said that I would be a drag queen.
Apparently, I have the attitude of a drag queen. Now, when I think of a drag queen I think "diva!" I mean, over the top, larger than life, showstopping, queen B attitude is how I'd describe drag queens. Am I wrong? I am not going to pretend to be a weak woman, or to not be stubborn but I sometimes WISH I had some of those qualities because I feel I'm so far from it.
Thank you, Miss Beyonce for trying to turn this "diva" thing into something positive, but I still don't see myself as a "female version of a hustler" either.
My friend guarantees me that he meant it as a compliment and I just have to convince myself of that.
So, on that note, "Where's my Perrier? This water is more flat than Miley Cyrus!"
**Bows and Exits Stage Left
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
London and Paris
I've noticed that some of the blogs I've been reading are written by individuals living in London and the UK. I don't want to call anyone out but I'd love some help from you guys!
This summer my two friends and I are planning a trip to London and Paris. We are not doing this through any travel company as we have done our own extensive road trips in the past and have been successful. We have a place to stay in Paris, (around the second week of July) but are a little dumbfounded as to what to do in London.
The original plan was to use our credit card points for a hotel but it is just not worth it while in Europe; our 13,000+ points would only get us one night in a decent hotel. This brings me to my question, what do you recommend? Living in a touristy area myself I know that it's hard to list off hotels but if you know of any alternatives to staying in one (or a hostel, we've checked) I'd love to hear it.
Also, activities and travel! We're planning on hitting the touristy spots because it's our first time in either of these cities but would love to get some ideas for places off the beaten path or even dining suggestions. We have a vegetarian with us and would like to keep it within a moderate price range. We were considering taking a train from one city to the next, any suggestions here?
As a side note, I found this during a google search for images and thought I'd share. It's a replica of London made entirely out of food!
A better look at the image can be found at : http://www.nowpublic.com/eat_london_a_model_of_london_made_out_of_food_Thanks in advance for any suggestions!
Things That Make Me Happy
I make lists of everything! I use them to organize my day, plan trips, shop, you name it! I could think of no better way to let the world know about my likes than a list of things that make me happy and that I enjoy. I hope you do too!
Large, plush towels!
Root Beer
Floats
Orchids
Blankets
Penguins
Ponte Vecchio in Firenze, Italy (Florence)
Tulips
My Passport
Airports
There are plenty more things on this list but at this point my procrastination has taken me into pretty late in the night/early in the morning so this post will have to be a work in progress!
Large, plush towels!
Root Beer
FloatsOrchids
Blankets
Penguins
Ponte Vecchio in Firenze, Italy (Florence)
Tulips
My Passport
Airports
There are plenty more things on this list but at this point my procrastination has taken me into pretty late in the night/early in the morning so this post will have to be a work in progress!
Summers In Miami
Miami may seem like a popular destination to those who don't live in the immediate area. Sunshine, warm waters, great nightlife, and a cultural melting pot sound inviting to many. The summer season can be as wonderful as this all sounds but to a Miami native, it is a different story.
Being born and raised in Miami, Fl, "Summer" has a different meaning to me than most. Summer means tourists every where you turn, sun burns, mosquitoes, and crazier traffic. I, unlike most others who live in this city, am not a fan of Summer. For one, the heat is unbearable. Our winter temperatures here are what most would call Spring or even Summer throughout other parts of our country. By the time that August rolls around, you could fry an egg on our sidewalks.
Though I may seem totally pessimistic about living here during these next couple of months, I am writing this to hold myself to a promise. I promised myself to make the most of this summer. I hope that in the near future I will be relocating and starting new chapters in my life. Although I have dreamed of moving away, I am determined to find the beauty and fun that everyone around me seems to see before I leave. I'll be looking for new things to do, hopefully inexpensive ones, local activities, things unique to Miami.
I live my life through lists of goals; this summer, will be no different. I'll start with a list of things recommended to tourists and see what inspiration I get from there. For starters, I'll be trying to complete everything on this list:
3. Seaquarium
4. Everglades
5. Parrot Jungle Island (I'll need very good company for this- I have a fear of birds)
6. Monkey Jungle
7. Coral Castle
8. Design District
9. Visit the Freedom Tower
10. Holocaust Museum
Looks like I'll be busy. If you're a local or even a tourist that found a favorite spot, please feel free to recommend things to add! I'll be posting pictures and follow ups as time goes by.
Being born and raised in Miami, Fl, "Summer" has a different meaning to me than most. Summer means tourists every where you turn, sun burns, mosquitoes, and crazier traffic. I, unlike most others who live in this city, am not a fan of Summer. For one, the heat is unbearable. Our winter temperatures here are what most would call Spring or even Summer throughout other parts of our country. By the time that August rolls around, you could fry an egg on our sidewalks.
Though I may seem totally pessimistic about living here during these next couple of months, I am writing this to hold myself to a promise. I promised myself to make the most of this summer. I hope that in the near future I will be relocating and starting new chapters in my life. Although I have dreamed of moving away, I am determined to find the beauty and fun that everyone around me seems to see before I leave. I'll be looking for new things to do, hopefully inexpensive ones, local activities, things unique to Miami.
I live my life through lists of goals; this summer, will be no different. I'll start with a list of things recommended to tourists and see what inspiration I get from there. For starters, I'll be trying to complete everything on this list:
- South Beach
3. Seaquarium
4. Everglades
5. Parrot Jungle Island (I'll need very good company for this- I have a fear of birds)
6. Monkey Jungle
7. Coral Castle
8. Design District
9. Visit the Freedom Tower
10. Holocaust Museum
Looks like I'll be busy. If you're a local or even a tourist that found a favorite spot, please feel free to recommend things to add! I'll be posting pictures and follow ups as time goes by.
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