A Haunting

I remember when you came back into my life. It caused so much pain. A relationship I treasured so much was now strained. My mother would never look at me the same. But she loved me, she always has. I knew that some day she would understand and forgive me. And she has. But what about you?

How could I ever have known that you loved me? You had the nerve to pull out that picture of me. It made me so angry. Maybe I was in your wallet this whole time, but why? Why, if I was a phone call away, a short drive, would you drive this wedge between us?

This day replays over and over in my head. It haunts me because I know I was mean to you. I know that I was angry and hurtful. I felt like you deserved it. I still kind of do. Your not being there for so many years hurt me in ways that I cannot overcome, I just have to set it aside and try not to let it seep into my life. These attempts are futile.

I'm so torn. I'm so angry. Angry at you, and angry at me. Angry at you for your obvious actions, or lack thereof. Why was it that I was the one that had to make that phone call? You were an adult, why would you refuse to act like that? I can't even take it personally, this was your pattern, you always left. You always abandoned, you always left that void. Angry at me because I'm still angry and this still affects me.

Well, now you're gone. For good. There's no getting you back. And now I'm left being angry at myself. I'm angry that I called you out that day. Why was I so hurtful? Why not just try to rebuild what we had? Your words, "mi princesita" still make me cry today. That was what set me off, it was my trigger. Your princess? How dare you. "Bullshit!" I called out on you. I made you feel small because I refused to be lied to. Don't refer to me as something you treasure when you have shown me nothing but neglect in the past 8 years. Unacceptable- the both of us.

Perhaps I should have been nicer. Perhaps I should have just pretended everything would be alright. Perhaps I never should have called. But no, this wouldn't make me feel any better now. We attempted to reconcile our past despite both of our actions. A lot of good that did us, to this day you are a stranger to me. That "family" you gave me, who are they? Perhaps that's the real reason I am angry. Because I didn't make the most of the time that I DID have with you.

What if I didn't make that phone call? Would I even know of your leaving? Would I still have that hope that someday you would reach out for me? It seems to me that nothing would have ever come from your end. I am proud of what I did. I am proud that I could say I took that first step. And as awful as it sounds, I know that that makes me a better person than you. And I am proud of that.

The worst part of this all is that I'd give it all up. I'd eat my words. I'd do anything, just for another moment with you. Just to have you hold me, hug me like you mean, tell me that you're proud of me, that you know everything will be ok. Tell me that you love me. I miss you so much, I miss what we never had.

Damn you, Dad.